What did you learn from your first boss?

Did you learn lessons and examples that still inform your leadership style today? Or did you learn “what not to do”?

We can’t help but learn from every boss we have. Often times these lessons and examples last a lifetime. If your boss is successful, you’d be wise to figure out what makes her successful and do your best to prioritize accordingly.

My first boss was a great example for me in most ways. He was an entrepreneur who never took his eye off the bottom line. While he was a great businessman, I wouldn’t say he was inspiring. He was hands-off and tended to minimize, even trivialize, the challenges others faced.

While his door was always open, his mind was not.

Those who reported to him didn’t find him hard to work for per se, but we often talked about his unwillingness to roll up his sleeves. Interestingly, he assumed the role of “good cop” to his boss’ “bad cop”. I never thought this strategy was wise, but he used it all the time to his advantage. He’d have to “talk to John”, which gave him a convenient way of coming back with an answer that served his needs and essentially closed the subject.

Had he owned all of his decisions, I think people would have respected him even more. He would complain when people went around him to talk to John on their own. What they were really doing is skipping a step that they pretty much knew they’d face if they started with their boss. That was a shame because it didn’t have to be that way.

Getting one’s hands dirty often means digging into the details enough to be able to make a fully informed decision and settling the issue without the need for further review by superiors. When there’s always a parental figure who has the final say, even adults learn to work the system and diminish their boss’ effectiveness in the process. Owning the decision means owning the outcome, and leaders at every level would be wise to make that their priority.

Good Poker players learn to spot other players’ “tells”, those (mostly) subconscious signals that we send out when we have a good or bad hand. Looking around the table in a certain way, fumbling with chips, and sighing are examples of common “tells”. Learning to eliminate one’s “tells” is an important skill in Poker and other games that require a degree of deception.

Do you (or does your leader) have “tells”?

I used to work for a great boss who had one. When she asked me if we could “chat” I always knew that something was wrong. But when she asked me if I had a minute or if we could “talk”, I knew that the meeting would be positive. Worked like a charm and when I told her about it one day, she had no idea she was telegraphing the nature of her requests. She’d also drink a ton of coffee on the way to work and be so wired when she arrived that everyone would brace themselves for long lists of stuff to do. Empty travel mug in hand meant watch out! But LeAnne was an excellent leader.

For many, silence is a “tell”. So many people have told me that when their boss goes silent, they know something bad is brewing. Doors closed? Uh-oh.

Leaders have a responsibility to communicate. This is not optional. Nature certainly loves a vacuum, and in the absence of their leader’s voice, people will draw conclusions of their own. We’ve all seen this happen. Anyone who has had to dig his organization out of a hole created by secrecy at the top knows how difficult it can be. Morale is like an aircraft carrier; it takes time to turn it around. Don’t go any farther down a path if the truth will surely require a 180.

Communication is not just talking; it’s also listening. Want to engage key contributors? Discuss. Leaders should not strive to have the last word.

Abusing the authority that comes with a leadership position can take many forms, not the least of which is squelching healthy debate because it is uncomfortable. Have the courage to participate in conversations that challenge conventions. Stop a debate only when it becomes disrespectful or tangential.

Learn to be influential. There are millions of brilliant people who are not heard because of poor communication skills. If it is your responsibility to communicate, then work on it as you would any other critical job skill. Charm only goes so far – there are earnest techniques that can bring clarity to complex issues in the workplace and inspire others to higher levels of performance.

The English language is full of traps, making it one of the harder languages to learn. Words have two or even three meanings and depending upon their inflection or placement in a sentence, their meaning can be dramatically different. This is one reason e-mail is a challenging medium and why we have created emoticons to help get our true sentiment across.

One such word that is troublesome for me is “again”.

Adding a question mark gives “again” a range of meanings, some of which express exasperation. Maybe this is why the word “again” without a question mark can also carry a tone that conveys impatience or even condescension.

Consider this: When someone doesn’t understand what you’re trying to say, or maybe wants to challenge you, starting your reply with “again”, as in the example below, can feel a bit aggressive.

1st person: “What did you mean when you said “soon”?

2nd person: “Again, I did not say anything that would imply immediacy. I simply tried to estimate a timeframe.”

Inserting “again” at the beginning gives the response a little edge, something like, “OK dummy, apparently you didn’t understand what I said the first time” or “How many times do I need to say this so that you will understand?” Not always, but often times this is what I hear.

I think the use of “again” to help with clarification isn’t necessary and can sometimes create a bit of defensiveness in the listener. Do you agree with this or am I too sensitive?